To: My Dear Husband, I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did. Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 7 times Didn't come home 29 times Didn't come 14 times Came too soon 26 times Went soft before you got in 18 times Toes in cramp 9 times Working late 49 times Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat 21 times In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls 4 times Caught it in your zip 6 times Got a cold, your nose keeps running 14 times Brewer's droop 95 times Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue 9 times Had a splinter in your finger 4 times Lost the notion after thinking about it all day 13 times Came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book 8 times Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on you back or with me kneeling?" The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. Your loving wife.