To:

My Dear Husband,
 
I think you  have  things  a  little  confused.   Here  are the real
reasons you did not get more than you did.
 
        Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat       7 times
        Didn't come home                                29 times
        Didn't come                                     14 times
        Came too soon                                   26 times
        Went soft before you got in                     18 times
        Toes in cramp                                    9 times
        Working late                                    49 times
        Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat   21 times
        In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls      4 times
        Caught it in your zip                            6 times
        Got a cold, your nose keeps running             14 times
        Brewer's droop                                  95 times
        Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue           9 times
        Had a splinter in your finger                    4 times
        Lost the notion after thinking about it all day 13 times
        Came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book  8 times
 
Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because
you had missed and was stuffing the sheets.  I wasn't talking  about
a  crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on you
back or with me kneeling?" The  times  you felt me move were because
you had farted and I was trying to breathe.
 
Your loving wife.